Those funny people who think up nasty computer worms and viruses are at it again.

An article on Yahoo Tech (Downandup/Conficker worm infects 9 million PCs) reports a new computer worm that has already hammered at least 9 million or more computers — “Downandup, Downadup, Kido!, or Conficker (all the same thing), and it primarily seems to be being delivered via infected USB drives.”

The article reports that it works by tricking you into running the virus by modifying the way “autorun” works when you plug in a drive. It also says that ”fixing Downandup isn’t easy. The worm is particularly problematic because of the tricky way it involves the user in installing the software, bypassing auto-installation safeguards, plus its sophisticated way of avoiding detection, as it morphs its code constantly (using randomized elements) to make traditional, signature-based detection almost impossible.”

Gee, that’s great.

You know, I started to think that you and me and all the other computer users out there probably have a lot of really important things to worry about in our lives, and yet now we have to deal with this crap on top of it. Having your computer jacked up is no fun.

You know what? I wish we could make a worm for all the pricks who make these computer worms and viruses.

Here’s how our worm would work: Every time one of these virus/worm geeks sat in his chair and tried to log into his computer, he’d get the wonderful sensation of a big lead pipe being shoved up his ass at warp speed. 

That’s a PIPE JOB I’d like to see.

It appears USC coach Pete Carroll isn’t too impressed with Mark Sanchez’s decision to go pro (Pete Carroll may be ‘disappointed’ in Mark Sanchez, but can he say it out loud?).

Why not? I have a couple of ideas.

Carson Palmer is really the only stud NFL QB to come out of Carroll’s program, and Palmer was there through his senior year. Matt Leinart, who has been a bust in the NFL thus far, was also there through his senior year (and he was redshirt). Sanchez, a redshirt junior, was the starter at USC for only one year, unlike Leinart and Palmer. Much like Leinart and Palmer, however, Sanchez was successful.

But we have to ask ourselves — who wouldn’t be a stud quarterbacking USC? Leinart was essentially the quarterback of a pro team playing other college teams. When you have that kind of talent around you (Reggie Bush, LenDale White, and Mike Williams are just a few big names Leinart had on offense during his time at the helm), it’s hard not to look good, isn’t it?

Let me ask you a question — if Leinart would’ve played for the Kent State Golden Flashes, does anybody know who he is? I would venture to say he wouldn’t have won the MAC Offensive Player of the Year, much less the Heisman Trophy. Leinart is a stiff.

But Sanchez seems to think he’s ready to roll to the NFL, and why not? In fact, he’s inspired me to go pro.

Me: “Listen, boss, I’m leaving early to go pro.”

Boss: “What the hell are you talking about?”

Me: “With all these college players leaving school early to go to the NFL, I figure I need to cash in on my potential and go pro.”

Boss: “You don’t have any potential. You mow lawns and spray weeds. And I pay you to do it.”

Me: “Yeah, well, maybe I’ll just do it on my own. I’ll make more money that way. So it’s kind of like I’m going pro.”

Boss: “I admire your ambition, but I really think you need to stay in our school longer before you’re ready.”

Me: “Hmmm, you could be right. I think most of these college players should stay in school, too. Good call, Boss. I could use another year to perfect my game.”

Boss: “Try another five years.”

How are your workplace manners?

According to a story today on Yahoo News, Mind your workplace manners — it pays, a “survey, by Australian-based international office space provider Servcorp, listed the top five most offensive workplace behaviors as not saying hello or good morning, not offering office guests a beverage, speaking loudly across the room, using swear words and taking calls on mobile phones.”

Say what?

Not saying hello or good morning? Taking calls on mobile phones? Using swear words?

Aw, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. 

That’s nothin’. Here are three real violations of office etiquette, which all qualify as pure PIPE JOBS:

1) The bean counter in the cubicle next to you plays *NSYNC and other boy bands on his stereo all day. In addition to the overwhelming desire to destroy his stereo, it may be time to kick his ass. 

2) The TV in the break room is tuned to The View every day. This was especially infuriating back when that dumbass loudmouth Rosie O’Donnell was on there. Gosh, how you wanted to tell Rosie to start her morning by drinking a big, hot cup of Shut the F*#k Up. Well, Rosie may be gone, but that show needs to go with her.

3) Some asshole left a huge steamer in the office john. Those two cups of coffee have got that half-pound breakfast burrito you fired down this morning really moving through your bowels. You rush to the stall — you know, the big one in the corner of the john that you always like to use — and lo and behold, some prick took a dump and didn’t flush it. Even worse, you try to flush it and the toilet backs up.

Yeah, that’s a PIPE JOB — no pun intended.

I’m trying to figure how many people in this country are worried the porn industry is gonna go belly-up.

Yep, didn’t think there were too many of you.

By now I’m sure you’ve all heard, however, it is no joke — the porn industry thinks it should be bailed out.

“The government’s handing out money to the auto industry,” Joe Francis, producer of the “Girls Gone Wild” video series, told the LA Daily News (Porn industry seeks $5 billion federal bailout). “Why shouldn’t it hand some to an industry the nation could not live without?”

Sure, Joe. As a taxpayer, I feel for you.

Forget about the fact I felt like I got bent over pretty good with those first two bailouts. But for you, Joe, and all the other kings of smut who have been raking it in and living large all these years, I feel your pain. It’s gotta be rough making it on your paycheck. Heck, why only ask for $5 billion? You deserve more.

I got an idea, Joe. How about you work free for a week and put the dough you would’ve made towards a media campaign aimed at the downloaders of free Internet porn. Tell ‘em to step up and start paying for it! Heck, I know money’s tight in these tough economic times, but dammit — they can forgo putting food on the table so they can drop $20 or $30 on one of your DVDs.

Ask Larry Flynt to help you. Here’s what Flynt reportedly had to say about the proposed bailout: “People are too depressed to be sexually active. This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such, but they cannot do without sex.”

You know what we can do without, Larry? Another PIPE JOB.

First off, let me say I don’t watch the Golden Globes. I think celebrities in general are a bunch of first-rate assholes. There’s a few exceptions (badasses like Clint Eastwood, Chuck Norris, and Arnold), but as a whole I could give a damn about an award show where they “honor” the pricks in Hollywood.

So, much to my chagrin, I click on Yahoo’s front page today and whadaya know, one of Yahoo’s featured stories is about Angelina Jolie “dissing” Ryan Seacrest at the Golden Globes last night – Seacrest reacts to snub.

Why this is a featured story I’ll never know. I guess a lot of people must care what Jolie thinks of Seacrest. Just for the record, here’s what I think:

I could give a crap what Jolie thinks of Seacrest, what Seacrest thinks of Jolie, or what Brad Pitt thinks now that he is having sex with Jolie instead of Jennifer Aniston. Sure, I’ll give Pitt credit since he’s been with two of the hottest chicks on the planet, but that’s about all the credit I’ll give him. He’s a celeb, after all, and most celebs don’t know jack about what’s going on in the real world.

Hey Pitt, Seacrest and Jolie — how about you come to my neighborhood. How about you clean up the dog turds in the yard, change 21 crap-filled diapers a day, sweat over how you’re gonna get another job once you’re laid off (or better yet, sweat searching for a job now that you’re laid off), take out the trash, clean up kid puke, clean the house, do some stinky laundry, and live the real American dream.

Yeah, that’s what I’d like to see.

Instead, the biggest worry in their world right now is Jolie “dissing” Seacrest. And that, my friends, is a PIPE JOB.

Look, I’m no political wizard. I’m not gonna sit here and tell you I know more than you about politics.

But I have a nose. And I can smell a turd in the wind.

Al Franken is like the stinky diaper your kid has had on too long that’s making your living room smell like an outhouse.

Whether Franken’s “election” as Minnesota’s senator is legit or not, I don’t know. That’s not for me to argue. But it looks like he’s gonna be the guy, so we the people have to ask ourselves: Is this the kind of “politician” you want helping to run your government?

According to an article posted yesterday in Yahoo News, http://news.yahoo.com/s/politico/20090110/pl_politico/17233_1 — “Polling results this week confirmed Franken’s precarious position: more Minnesotans have a negative impression of him than a positive one, by a 45 percent to 37 percent margin. Those would be dismal numbers under any circumstances, but for a newly-elected senator they would be particularly alarming.”

Poor Minnesota. But then, you elected him. 

The problem is most of the country leans towards the middle, whether you’re on the left or right. Al Franken is so far left he has liberal flames shooting out his ass. Reaching across the aisle? Good luck, Al. You’ll be lucky if your whole arm doesn’t get chopped off.

Because of this, Franken’s election to the Senate is a huge PIPE JOB. But I will say this, it should inspire every moron who wants to run for office.

I think I’ll run for city council.

Okay, so Florida is pretty damn good. After watching the Gator D stifle Oklahoma — one of the most prolific offenses in college football history — I’m sort of okay with Florida being crowned the National Champs.

But Utah was 13-0, and the Utes destroyed Alabama. Florida, after all, lost to Mississippi during the season. Mississippi?

And what about USC? Sure, the Trojans pulled their usual one boneheaded game of the season and dropped a Thursday nighter on national TV to Oregon State. But Oregon State turned out to be pretty good. As a matter of fact, the Pac-10 turned out to be pretty damn good, considering the Pac-10 was undefeated in the bowls. After watching USC pummel the Big Ten Champ Penn State, I’d say the Trojans have a case.

Texas is pretty good too. The Longhorns were the only team to beat Oklahoma during the season. Texas had one loss — to a great Texas Tech team — and the Horns beat Ohio State in the postseason.

But as usual, the BCS has screwed the college football fan. That is why, on this last night of the 2008 college football season, we can proclaim the BCS a large Pipe Job. Utah, USC, Texas and the college football fan were royally bent over. Happy New Year.